I was recently asked by a parent considering relocation after divorce what I thought was a reasonable distance to move the children away from their other parent. This person (Emily) considered moving closer to her original family and wished to take her children with her. Emily had also reconnected with an old boyfriend from home and wanted to take things to the next level of commitment with him. This all seemed reasonable until she mentioned that her new home would be three and a half hours away.
I didn’t give an immediate answer as I wanted to find an ethically correct response. I have pondered the question and haven’t found a generic suitable response. Think about it—how far is too far? How far away would you accept being from your child? How far would you be willing to take your child away from their other parent? There is no generic suitable response.
I have met a few divorcing parents who feel that moving out of the family home is too far. The idea of not hugging their child every night before bed is painful for them, and even finding a flat around the corner is too far. I have met parents who seem suffocated with depression from not seeing their child each day. Divorce and separation can be miserable.
On the other hand, I have met parents who are happy to see their children on the odd, rare occasion. It may not matter much to them if their child is five or fifty miles away. They will make the distance work.
There may be legal reasons why you can’t relocate too far away. It may be that your existing child arrangement order prevents relocation. Moving a hundred miles away may be impossible if your child resides with your ex-partner on Wednesday nights. If this is the case, a new arrangement order must be obtained. I don’t want to explore the legal reasons in this article; a lawyer will best inform you of your legal rights and responsibilities. I am more interested in a parent doing the right thing for their child.
A new relationship.
New relationships are exciting, especially after a painful separation. The idea that someone new finds you attractive, someone new laughs at your jokes, can be very appealing if you have spent years in an unhappy relationship.
I understand the allure of wanting to commit wholeheartedly to such happiness. At this point, you must take stock and consider the upheaval and change you demand to follow your heart. Does a parent’s happiness trump a child’s right to have a relationship with both parents? I have heard statements such as ‘it’s my time’ or ‘I’m putting myself first’, but when you have dependent children to consider, they must be at least part of the decision-making process.
Being in love can seriously damage your decision-making. I am embarrassed to think about silly decisions I made for love (or what I thought was love). However, if children are involved, they are not just your silly decisions; you are making changes to your children’s lives. You could be altering their education, taking them away from a parent, grandparents, cousins, friends, etc. These decisions are not to be made on a whim.
Can you wait?
What’s the rush? Why are you considering relocation now? Before you make the big move to take your children away, ask yourself if it is necessary, and if there is another way. Perhaps your parents could visit you and spend more time in your home. Maybe this new partner could relocate closer to you, or you could postpone the move until your children are older.
If you need extra help with your children, have you considered joining forces with some parents at school to set up reciprocal childcare? Is your ex-partner aware that you need more help? Perhaps they would be willing to help more if they knew the alternative.
If you have to move.
Sometimes you have to move to keep a child safe from your ex-spouse, relocation is vitally important. This article isn’t about you; I would advise getting a lawyer. If you want your child’s other parent to remain in their life, what will you do to facilitate this? How will you encourage and ensure your child has a healthy relationship with their other parent?
Thinking practically, you must consider how you will facilitate pick-ups and drop-offs. Consider how you will get your child from A to B and all the associated extra costs of distance. Children with parents who live far apart tend to grow up quickly. They learn to take planes, trains and buses alone. Divorce and all its realities can be harsh on children.
Moving schools needs to be navigated with care. All education is important, but some years are more critical than others and moving mid-GCSES or mid-term can devastate a child. If your relocation is at a crucial time, perhaps your child could live with their other parent until the end of the school year.
Two names on the birth certificate.
It is worth remembering that if your child has two parental names on their birth certificate, then there are two parents with parental responsibility. This means both parents have equal rights regarding education, religion, medical and foreign travel decisions. You must get permission from your child’s other parent to remove your child from school.
It is also worth remembering that your child will probably love both of their parents and that taking them far away, limiting their contact with one parent, may seriously affect your child in the long run. One day, they may ask you to justify your actions.
Helpful links:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities – The government website is helpful in finding out your parental rights.
