A distant relative was going through a divorce a few years ago and even though she was going through a terrible time she refused to play dirty. Her husband had done a terrible nasty, he had fathered a child with someone else. Even thinking about it now makes me feel disgruntled for her and all the women that have experienced something similar. Yet, this lady behaved with a sense of decorum that never faltered even though she was devastated. She placed the wellbeing of her sons and daughter above all else. She knew how to play nice in divorce.
This led me to think about how I would have acted in this situation. Would I be able to stay away from vitriol and revenge? Would I be able to play nice in divorce? I would like to think that I too would be able to rise above the personal pain and be first and foremost a parent.
What is playing nice in divorce?
Playing nice in divorce doesn’t mean giving your ex-partner everything they ask for and it doesn’t mean you all have to be one big happy family. No-one expects you to be a pushover or a saint.
Playing nice means refusing to bad mouth your ex-partner even if your heart is breaking. It also means remembering that your ex will always be your children’s other parent. Your children will most likely love them and even if your ex has hurt you, your children need to be free to love you both.
Playing nice means conducting yourself in a fair and decent manner. The marriage may be over but however you act now will set the tone for years to come. Divorce well so you and your ex can both have an active part in your children’s lives. Place an image of your children firmly in your mind and make sure all your decisions are made in their best interest.
People can behave appallingly at the end of a marriage.
We aren’t always our best selves at the end of a marriage. There’s a temptation to make short term decisions in order to feel better. We don’t always play nice in divorce. Lashing out like a wounded animal is a natural reaction. It is at this point that we need our friends, family, coach etc. We need people that we trust to remind us that there is so much at stake, that picking at a scab only reopens a wound.
Don’t give into temptation, if your ex behaves badly, don’t quid pro quo. Rise above the behaviour. Can you play nice in divorce even when it’s hard? Yes, you can!
Tips for rising above the pain:
- Gather a crew around you. Make sure you have a robust team of people to support you. Set the tone and behaviour you expect.
- Stay healthy, eat and sleep well. Get some exercise and avoid overindulging with alcohol.
- Keep busy – learn new things, go dancing with your friends.
- Remind yourself that divorce is a process, not unlike death. It is going to take time, and you may have to experience some lows before it gets better.
- Have a gratitude list – start each day reminding yourself of your reasons to be thankful. Even in loss and dark times we can find good things in our life.
- Plan some nice things in the future. Have a list of excursions / holidays – things you will do and places you will go. Can you play nice in the meantime? Absolutely, and look forward to these plans.
- Escape the pain for a while – grab a blanket and watch a movie.
- Sometimes having a good old cry can help. When your children are with their other parent and the house is quiet, take your time and mourn your losses.
Play the long game.
Eventually the pain of divorce will lessen. Keep the idea of peaceful co-parenting in your mind. Remember the long-term goal is for both you and your children to be happy. Who knows what positives you have awaiting around the corner. Ultimately, can you play nice in divorce to achieve this? Yes, stay focused on the future.
