Blended families and stepfamilies are on the increase in the UK and the United States. With divorce rates increasing in the last fifty years, today’s children are often members of families that include both biological and step grandparents. The situation isn’t going to change any time soon therefore the number of step grandparents in western society is due to rise.

If this is the case, then a step grandparent is a real thing but what exactly is it?

Skip generation step grandparent vs the inherited step grandparent.

A ‘skip generation step grandparent’ is someone whose stepchild has had a baby. Whereas an ‘inherited step grandparent’ is someone whose child has married a person who already has children.

Complicated – Absolutely! Let me explain with examples:

Claire is married to Tom and is a stepmother to his daughter Rosie. Claire met her stepdaughter when Rosie was six. Rosie is now grown and has just had a baby (Emma) of her own. Claire is now a step grandma. She has had a close relationship with Rosie over the years and thus feels close to Emma. This is an example of a skip generation step grandparent. Emma will grow up with Claire in her life and will most likely have a close relationship.

Stella is a mother of three adult children. Her daughter has recently married a man with teenage children. Stella is now technically an inherited step grandparent but does not really know her daughters stepchildren as they live with their mother. She recognises that the children are now connected to her but as of yet has not developed any feelings for them. Stella doesn’t feel like a grandparent to these children, and she questions if she ever will.

Helen has been a stepmother for twenty years and has a loving relationship with her stepdaughter Abby. Her stepdaughter has just married a man with children. Abby is now a stepmum and Helen is now a skip generation inherited step grandparent! What a title! It is definitely complicated.

Forget the title – what about the relationship?

With the many possible ways of being a step grandparent it is easy to see why it is hard to define. Some people will mirror the image of a grandparent and may have the title to go with it and some won’t even consider themselves related to the child.

In marriages with stepchildren there are a few remaining taboo subjects. It is common for couples to be unable to talk openly and honestly about their feelings. Will a stepparent ever love their stepchild the same as their biological child and does the child even want them to? How much parenting do you give a child that already has a biological mother / father? Even if you are willing, your stepchild may not wish for you to have a significant role in their life and may not consider you as another parent.

Let’s add another layer of complexity and add a grandchild into the mix. It is easy to see why the role is difficult to define and potentially difficult to talk about.

There’s an army of grandparents in Britain today helping raise the next generation. They are the after-school carers, they are there for the holiday care, the Saturday nights etc. The cake makers, the gardeners, the cuddle givers giving out love and free childcare. They are invaluable in helping raise our next generation. You don’t need a title to be one of these people. Children often bring love and charm into a relationship and although it helps to be biologically related, it isn’t a necessity. Spend enough quality time with a child and they will love you whoever you are.

Follow the parents’ wishes and other rules.

Even if you are desperate to have a relationship with the child, it is necessary to follow the wishes of the child’s biological parents. They will decide the level of relationship. It is a delicate situation. Be yourself, be kind and caring. You may need to accept that the parents don’t want you to be overly involved.

The child will most likely have biological grandparents, don’t compete. Don’t get into a ‘who’s the better grandparent’ fight as it is a fight that you can’t win and can only cause pain to others.

Advice forums online will tell you that you need to treat your biological grandchildren and step grandchildren as equals. Such a simple instruction and yet these relationships are complicated. Start with the rule – first do no harm. You might love the children the same, or you might never love the child. Don’t beat yourself up about your feelings, you can’t fake them to yourself. However, there is no excuse to being mean to a child – be kind. Take your time and try not to make early judgements as relationships can grow and develop.

So, what is a step grandparent?

There’s a lack of clear social norms for this role, therefore you can make your role and involvement as step grandparent as you and the birth parents wish. There may be a definition in the dictionary, but there isn’t a general consensus for the role or actions you can play. If you are allowed, take your time, build a relationship with the child and be the step grandparent you want to be.

Helpful information:

If you want empirical information on the subject, I found the below paper helpful:

Steinbach, A., & Silverstein, M. (2020). Step-Grandparent–Step-Grandchild Relationships: Is There a “Grand Step-Gap” in Emotional Closeness and Contact? Journal of Family Issues, 41(8), 1137-1160. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X19886638

For more step grandparenting information:

www.gransnet.com/grandparenting/step-grandparents

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Grandparents are important too!