Imagine yourself in this scenario, you have been married for fifteen years and your marriage is ending. You have decided to separate from your spouse. Overall, it hasn’t been a bad marriage, the first eight years were very happy. The last few years were a bit ropey, and your soon to be ex has admitted to an affair. You have children with this person, therefore they will always be in and out of your life. They will be at christenings, weddings, funerals, school plays and sports days etc.
So, things aren’t great for you and It is probably a very challenging time. Now to add insult to injury, your family and friends think it is open season to let you know how they feel about your ex. No-one holds back and the unanimous overall feeling is that nobody liked them. Additionally, they didn’t like the person you became when you were with them. In fact, the people you love have strong feelings and none of them very complimentary.
What do you do when no-one likes your ex? How do you deal with this information, and were you really unaware of their feelings?
It’s tempting to join in the character bashing.
It can be crushing to think you’ve spent a huge chunk of your life with someone whom nobody likes?
In one way their dislike may be helpful as you possibly don’t like your ex a whole lot yourself right now. On the other hand, what does that say about your judgement? Your family and friends have sat through your wedding, your suppers and lunches, your celebrations etc and said nothing. A fifteen-year marriage and two years dating – seventeen years of silence.
At the end of a marriage, you may be prepared to experience anger or sadness but, are you prepared for the embarrassment and shame you could feel?
This is a common scenario.
In the Western World we tend to choose our own partners without parental help or interference. By the time we introduce a new partner to our parents and loved ones we are usually committed. We don’t need and are not normally seeking permission or approval from our family. It is only at the end of our relationships that our family often choose to tell us what they really think.
Knowing what everyone really thinks can be dangerous. It means that if you reconcile with your ex you may have to let go of your family or at least split yourself into two camps. Just thinking of them all being together can be nerve wracking. This is when you need to talk to a neutral person, a friend who doesn’t know your partner or a professional who is trained to help.
Relationship Coaching.
I’ve met several male and female clients in the past who have experienced something similar to the scenario above and it’s a complicated but common issue. As for family members, it is natural to dislike a person who has hurt someone we love, but it shouldn’t be normal to dislike your son’s (or daughter, sister, brother, etc) partner for seventeen years. These issues tend to go unspoken and unresolved out of fear, as most parents wouldn’t want to risk losing a child to such brutal honesty.
So, as a whole, we tend to stay quiet or whisper behind closed doors. We can get caught out in our gossip. There are family truth grenades being thrown all over Britain, damaging relationships (sometimes fatally) and causing mayhem. Dislike and problems with our in-laws need to be managed with both sensitivity and maturity.
Coaching Jill.
One client (Jill) came to coaching as she was struggling to deal with the anger she felt towards her birth family. She was furious that her family members for years had obviously been talking about her marriage behind her back. Jill felt very alone and boxed in with this issue. She needed to process, heal and find a way forward to start trusting her family again. Jill also had to re learn how to trust her own judgment, as she doubted she would ever be able to date again.
Her marriage was over, but for her children’s sake, she still wanted to have her ex-husband in her life. He would be welcome at family occasions.
Perversely, Jill also resented that her family had told her their true feelings and preferred it when she was blissfully ignorant. Just imagining her ex and her family together in the same room made her feel sick to her stomach. She felt alone at a time when she really needed love and understanding. Jill’s anger towards her family was partially misplaced and was really anger / disappointment in herself, her husband and for the end of her marriage.
Jill’s determination.
Jill was brave to face and tackle her issues. She was determined to speak individually to each close family member and was able to tell them of her disappointment. Jill was able to verbalise her sadness and sense of betrayal. She had to listen to her individual family members stating they were worried that their honesty would have meant losing her from their lives. Jill made it absolutely clear to each family member that her ex husband would always have a place in her life and she wouldn’t condone unkind behaviour.
Jill’s goal was to host a Christmas dinner with her family and ex-husband present. She was determined to achieve this for her children and wanted to be able to do this with a smile on her face. Putting her children’s feelings first was important and she expected all adults involved to comply with this in mind. She was trying to create a different type of divorce, one that was unusual for her birth family.
Eventually, in time, she was able to process most of the hurt and anger, but she didn’t rush to date again. Her last parting words were that it would be a while before she would introduce someone new into her family. Her next hurdle would be if / when her ex husband found a serious new partner. I imagine I might see Jill again sometime in the future.
