At the tender age of twenty-five I met the love of my life. I was naïve, baby faced and didn’t have much serious relationship mileage under my belt. I had never knowingly flirted with a ‘dad’ before and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted children. Afterall, in my life plan, the time I had allocated to thinking about having children wasn’t due to happen until my thirties. The plan (in my head) was to pack up my life and head back home to the lakes, meet a nice (never married) single guy and settle down. I would have this amazing support system of family around me and my children would grow up with a gaggle of cousins, half cousins and pretend cousins around them.
In my thirties I would be wise. I’d have travelled and lived in other countries. I would understand the world but still know that home was best. Happily, I would return to the lakes and mountains and the wildness of the west coast. I would relish the rainy days and dark winters and I raise my family away from the city. I would go back to church and give my children a faith and a belief system. It was all planned for my thirties.
‘Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans’ – John Lennon.
John Lennon wasn’t my favourite Beatle, but he knew what he was talking about when it came to life and plans.
Let’s talk about the love of my life. He wasn’t twenty-five, or from the North and he didn’t share my faith. He was a single man but not divorced and came as a package with three little girls. My new partner was very firmly based in London, and he wasn’t part of any plan.
I became a stepmum.
I wasn’t ready to be a stepparent and I found myself in an unfamiliar place of loving someone who had other priorities and other people to consider. This relationship was different as there were others to think and take care of. I felt upset that I wasn’t always considered first. This rankled me and I was often moody as it took time for me to adjust my expectations.
We decided that I would only be introduced to the children when we knew that we would stay together. Children are expected to cope and be accepting in a divorce. They are expected to be happy with new boyfriends and girlfriends, and sometimes the new children that arrive with them. There’s new marriages, new houses, new babies etc. Full disclosure, we decided immediately that we would be forever, but we just had to give the rest of the world time to adjust and catch up.
The common struggles of a stepparent.
Step-parenting is difficult. There’s torn loyalties, unsure roles, the invisible (not always so invisible) other parent. There’s real live children in the mix who may be struggling to adjust to their new reality. Most children just want their mum and dad to get back together and could see the new stepparent as a temporary blip on the way to getting their old lives back. Even in a strongly bonded stepfamily, at least one child might still be harbouring and yearning for the original family.
There’s the loyalty and attachment that a child may have for their biological parent (the one that you aren’t dating), and they may feel that displaying any acceptance of you as being disloyal. This scenario can last forever and can seriously impinge a healthy relationship. If the other parent isn’t happy or fulfilled, the children can carry a guilt with them that results in a lack of acceptance of the new stepparent.
As a stepparent you can’t fight these feelings, and you can’t make a child like you. Always ensure you are being consistent, be loving and fair but remember, you don’t have to be a doormat to cruelty or nastiness.
The rules.
Establish what is expected of you and what you are willing to do. You may have very little say in how your stepchildren are raised, but it is your decision on what you are willing to accept. This is your life, and it can change dramatically in this type of relationship.
Will you discipline your stepchildren? What role does your partner wish you to take?
As a new stepparent you must remind yourself to take a step back and not push into situations where you aren’t necessarily wanted. This can be difficult if there are children running riot and breaking rules in your home. It can be a no-win situation.
Are you prepared to be a stepparent? It is not for the faint-hearted. There can be great life enriching rewards, and there can be an abundance of love, but you can’t go into the scenario expecting or demanding certain outcomes. The position of new girlfriend / boyfriend is only vacant as something went wrong in your partner’s last relationship. There will be scars and deep wounds in the family and even if the other parent is deceased their shadow will often be present.
Enter with caution and eyes wide open.
Be a pragmatist and set realistic expectations. Relationships need nurturing and can take time to develop. If you persevere it might be worth it. I count myself lucky to be a stepmum. Afterall, some of my favourite people in this world are my stepchildren and I consider it a privilege to have them in my life.
