One of the saddest statements I ever heard in my adult life was from a lady who said that she wished that she loved herself enough to leave her marriage. Her name was Paula, and she was in her late forties when we met. Paula’s statement has stayed with me and returns and surfaces to my conscious thought quite frequently.
How many people stay in lonely marriages intrinsically knowing that they want more and deserve better? Knowing you should leave and having the courage to leave can be poles apart. Staying in a marriage because you are nervous of being alone or frightened to manage under different financial circumstances is quite common.
The addition of children can make people stay in marriages long after the relationship has past it’s sell by date. Unbeknownst to you, there’s perhaps a Paula in your friends and family circle feeling this way today.
Being in a couple can be lonely.
Even in a busy household, it is possible to feel alone. Should you stay in a relationship with a spouse who doesn’t see you or care enough to put the effort into your relationship? How much should you endure to keep everyone around you happy?
Long term marriages require comradeship as well as love to get through the everyday mundanity of life. It is easy to be happy when there’s parties, dating and success, whereas death, illness, cancer, job loss etc require tenacity, commitment and togetherness.
It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages – Friedrich Nietzsche
I remember as a young woman listening to advice from my mother (Susan), ‘marry someone you can laugh with, someone who will be your friend’. Both Nietzsche and my mother might be onto something. The sexual spontaneity of an early relationship rarely lasts forever, it mutates, and it develops. The friendship you share hopefully helps the relationship evolve and grow.
When should you stay?
Long relationships will have peaks and troughs. Again, more of my mother’s wisdom. She said that love and hate were two sides of the same coin. She said not to fear feelings of hate for your partner as hate was an emotion that with time and work could be turned back into love. Hatred gave you a base to work from as long as you were both committed to change.
However, she said that it was indifference that you had to worry about. When you no longer care, when your feelings are numb, this is the time to truly worry about your relationship. When you feel that there is absolutely nothing left for you and you can’t see it getting any better, it is time to consider dramatic change. Is it time to leave?
Love yourself.
What does ‘love yourself enough’ mean to you? It may mean giving up your large comfortable home or creature comforts to start again. You may have to tell your children that great changes need to happen for you to happily live your life. It could mean that you need to find a new job, move county or country.
The first task is to check your unhappiness and ennui. Is this general malaise in you or in your relationship? Undertake a soul search to check that you are not projecting your own unhappiness onto your relationship. There are many ways to change, get a new job, go to therapy, get a coach, find new hobbies etc.
After your soul search, if you have completed the work on yourself, it is time to speak to your partner.
What happened to Paula?
Paula had been married twenty years when I first met her and was undergoing an existential crisis. Her daughter was living away at university. Her part-time job was no longer fulfilling, and she didn’t feel needed. She was struggling to find her purpose. She and her husband cohabited but it was rarely romantic, and she wanted more.
Paula undertook a year of personal weekly therapy. She changed jobs and increased activities and outings with her friends. She tried working on her marriage. Her husband was not willing to go to couples therapy. He was willing to go on more dates or a holiday, but he wasn’t particularly interested in change. I last saw Paula when she was giving her marriage one last chance. We didn’t keep in touch and I don’t know if she left her husband.
Loving yourself as if you were your own mother.
Hand’s up – I am often guilty of not loving myself enough. I put the feelings of others in front of my own. When it comes to the important decisions in my life, I ask myself how my mother would respond. She died nearly twenty years ago but I can still hear her voice in my head, advising me. I try to imagine what she would say, as she always wanted what was best for me. I confess, I struggle and often choose what is best for others. When times are hard I call my childhood friend, we discuss and we ask each other, ‘what would Susan do?’
