I want to introduce you to Harry. He’s not really Harry but we must call him something. He’s middle-aged (my description not his) and has reached a very dangerous point in his marriage. At 45 years old, he has started to feel his mortality. On his recent birthday, he awoke to the realisation that he is unhappy and he had a panicked thought to run and abandon everything. He said that he took one look around his heavily mortgaged home with its over cushioned bed and couldn’t quite believe that this was his life.
Later that morning, Harry’s beautiful little girls ran into the room, bounced on the bed and sang a sweet rendition of Happy Birthday. This should normally give him joy but he later admitted filled him with dread.
Harry is in danger of doing something dramatic. Harry is in danger of abandoning his family.
Beware of birthdays.
Birthdays often bring joy and happiness, but beware as birthdays also bring introspection, new milestones, life tallying, comparisons etc. Add a zero to the end of the birthday (40, 50, 60 etc) and they can also bring big trouble.
Life on paper – it all looks good.
Harry and I met about two months after his birthday. He wasn’t divorcing or separating, and he admitted that he felt uncomfortable talking to someone. On paper his life looked like it was golden. He had a great job with a lucrative salary. He had been married for ten years and had two young daughters. His home was warm, inviting, and busy. There were little ballet shoes and tutus and pink backpacks in his life. His fridge was stocked with salad and vegetables and healthy proteins. There was always a nice, chilled bottle of wine to be appreciated after a long day at work. So, he asked, what was wrong with him?
Noticing other women.
The catalyst for Harry making his first appointment was that he was suddenly struck with the realisation that he was starting to notice other women. Nothing dramatic, just a smile here or there, or the woman sitting opposite him on the underground. He particularly noticed a woman at the gym, the one that was often in the sauna at the same time as himself. These women were all younger than he and never had children with them. Harry knew that he hadn’t yet been inappropriate, but he was frightened at some of the thoughts and feelings that were arising. He was worried for his marriage. He often repeated, ‘I’m going to blow it, I know that I am going to blow it’.
Blowing up a perfectly good marriage.
In nearly every long-term marriage there will be a time when you question why you married and how you got there. Its perfectly normal to feel this way on occasion and the moment usually passes. Harry mentioned that since his birthday things had started to bother him, he found himself irritated and annoyed. He was becoming discontented with his life and his wife was starting to notice that something was wrong.
The root of the problem.
The birthday had triggered a mini existential crisis in Harry. Even though on the surface his life looked great, underneath he was worrying about the things he thought he had lost. He felt that he no longer had his youth or his freedom and that somehow, he went to bed one night and woke up realising that he had wasted years of his life and he had sleep walked right through it. He also found that he was having to work harder at the gym to maintain his trim physique, he wasn’t thirty anymore. The young women on the tube or in the gym weren’t the problem, they were just a distraction.
The work.
The work with Harry started by him agreeing that he wouldn’t make any major decisions whilst we were working together. He needed to explore his fear of ‘blowing it up’. We looked at what it meant to him. I got him to name his fears, to unpick them, to imagine and visualise them. Harry was able to imagine a scenario and describe in detail flirting with the girl at the gym. He relaxed and was able to smile just thinking about it. He looked carefree and happy imagining a date with a younger woman.
I asked him to imagine a scene where his wife finds out that he had cheated on her. He said that there was no way he would be forgiven, he knew her stance on cheating. I encouraged him to sit uncomfortably within the scenario, to see the tears and devastation.
We then worked on Harry visualising a separation from his wife and family. We explored where he would live, how and when he would see his children. What would handovers, school plays, swimming lessons etc, look like as a divorced person? He visualised cleaning his flat, looking after his girls and working long hours. He imagined his friends and family reactions to the news of his infidelity. We talked about his finances and if he could afford to run two homes. He found it difficult to imagine a life without seeing his children every day.
The next step was to encourage him to visualise a new man on the scene, a stepfather for his daughters. A man sleeping in his place in his bed. This did not make him happy and he looked irritated and annoyed. I picked further at his wound – surely his wife would meet someone. I reminded him that he had told me that she was lovely, and it stood to reason that some other man would think so too.
The reality.
Harry resented the reality check, but I could see that it was effective. The women in the gym would be temporary relief for him but he wasn’t willing to accept the reality of a divorce. He decided that a fling or affair wasn’t a good idea.
The destructive preoccupation of Harry’s thoughts had permeated into his home life with his family. His wife was aware that he wasn’t happy. She had questioned him, cajoled him and tried to make him smile.
A big reality of middle-age is acceptance. Accepting that you probably have less years in front of you than behind. Accepting that your hair will grey, your face will age, your health may decline and eventually you will die. It is hard to enjoy present time when you are wishing for your past or trying to stop your future.
Being present in his marriage.
It’s not often that I get to work with someone before the marriage has ended. Just being able to imagine the destruction was enough for Harry to step back and decide to work on his relationship. He was going to concentrate on making his relationship and life at home better. Only time will tell if Harry is able to stay faithful and remain in his marriage but with creative visualisation, he was able to see that he was heading for a divorce and a life that he certainly did not want.
Useful Links and thoughts:
Denying our emotions only fuels their power over us.
Melanie Klein
