The situation.
Tom (he’s Tom for the sake of this article) needed help to stay organised and prepared after his marriage ended. When he first made contact, he had been separated from his wife (Sophie) for six months. My first impressions were, nice guy, hardworking, great job, works long hours, and means well. It was obvious that he was struggling adapting to his new life. He hadn’t wanted the separation and was genuinely shocked to discover that his wife had been having an affair.
Tom had moved out of the family home and was living in a rented two-bedroom flat. His new home was walking distance from his children.
Tom worked long hours; throughout the marriage he had worked consistently until late evening. He freely admitted that his wife had undertaken the major share of the child-raising and he had never been required to run and organise the family home. He provided the finances for the family to have a comfortable life. Occasionally, Tom was asked to discipline his children, but Sophie had almost independently created and ran a wonderful home and all that came with it.
The children.
Tom’s two boys were 10 and 12 years old. The elder boy had just started senior school and the other was preparing to move to the senior school the following year. It was clear that Tom loved his boys, and his eyes shone with pride as he spoke about them. I was also left with the impression that he didn’t perhaps know them as well as he could, and he had admitted that the only involvement he had with school was attending parents evening and the occasional fund-raising event. He wouldn’t be able to recognise his children’s friends if he passed them in the street.
There was no formal custody agreement between the separating couple. The boys tended to come over for dinner on a Wednesday night and occasionally stayed with him at the weekend. Tom admitted that prior to the separation he had only ever looked after his children without Sophie for a five-night stint when she had been in hospital having a minor operation and at the same time, his mother had visited and helped him look after the children.
The work.
Tom and I first concentrated on working on practical issues together. We focussed on helping him prepare for when the boys came over to the flat. The rental flat was clean, beige, and soulless. The space was comfortable enough, but it was hard to see that someone was living there. There was no food in the fridge or cupboards. Everything was nice but bland, and it didn’t feel like a home.
Often in divorce and separation, when someone leaves the family home, they take very little with them, leaving everything intact for their children. There was nothing in the flat to suggest that a family lived there. We started by making the boys room more child friendly adding lamps, colourful bedlinen, knickknacks etc. The space became more personalised for the boys. Tom encouraged them to leave some of their things at his flat. They had spare clothing, books, toiletries, nice towels etc. Our aim was to make the space a place that the boys would want to visit.
The importance of food.
We bought the boys favourite foods and made sure that there were snacks and food in the cupboards and freezer to be able to make impromptu meals. The fridge was more difficult to keep stocked as Tom rarely ate at home when the boys weren’t there. I encouraged Tom to always keep a stock of milk, bread, cereals, ham and cheese in the house. Hungry children need feeding fast, and having the ability to make cereals, sandwiches, or a quick pasta meal is always a good idea. The flat began to look alive and lived in. His home no longer looked sterile and with little effort we made into a warm and inviting space for his children.
We set up an Ocado account for Tom so that he could stock his cupboards, fridge and freezer as well as cleaning products for the house. Tom hated shopping, he saw it as a waste of time. One quick weekly online shop and there was very little need for him to go to the shops other than for an emergency item. We also created a dedicated workspace in the flat. This was beneficial as Tom’s work had been spilling out across the living room. We bought a Play Station as Tom enjoyed playing games with his boys and it became a ritual for them to cook, eat and play together on Saturday evenings.
A great outcome for Tom.
The separation had a surprising benefit for Tom. Living alone had forced him to connect more with his boys. When they visited he prioritised their needs over his work. Tom regularly prepared food when the boys stayed over and thus developed a routine for them all He took an interest in his sons’ lives and began to know his children on a deeper level. He put away his work and decided to be fully present when the boys were in the house.
Living close to the family home meant that the boys could easily go from one house to another and Tom planned in the future to buy a property in the same area with the idea being that as the boys aged they would be able to live in both homes. Tom acknowledged that he felt lucky that he was able to co-parent so flexibly with his ex-wife.
Tom required very little emotional help. He was sad but fully understood and took responsibility for the fact that for the latter years of his marriage he had been physically and emotionally distant. Tom found it challenging to have a work / life balance. He freely admitted that he loved his work and could quite easily lose track of time.
I left Tom with the option of getting in contact if he needed help buying his new home. I was happy with the outcome of the work as a few small practical tweaks made a big difference to Tom and his boys.
Helpful Links.
Five easy recipes to make with your child.
