I spend a portion of my time trying to encourage ex-partners to find ways to co-parent effectively. It remains my core belief that most children will be better off with two parents in their life. However, I admit that having two parents screaming and fighting around a child isn’t helpful and can be very damaging. So how do you co-parent effectively if you can’t be in the same room together without breaking into a mini war?
Healthy co-parenting is attainable for most couples. Firstly, you need both parents committed to the process. One obstructive parent can easily undo the hard work of the other. With two willing parents, you put your differences aside and work out a way forward. A healthy co-parenting arrangement will mean that your child can spend guilt free time with each parent, no filters, no secrets, no hiding their feelings. The child needs to feel that they get to spend enough time with both parents, therefore the division of contact time needs to feel fair to the child.
For some ex-couples it may seem an unobtainable challenge. They may never be able to have that kind of relationship with their ex-partner. Unfortunately, some break-ups are so corrosive that there doesn’t seem a way forward. If this is your reality, how do you parent together if you can’t be in the same room?
Parallel Parenting
Parallel Parenting involves both parents having a relationship with their child whilst having very little interaction with each other. This allows each parent to interact with their child in whichever style they see fit. Big decisions regarding education, health and religion are made together. Each parent gets to make their own normal every day decisions regarding their child.
What’s needed.
Parallel parenting requires clear boundaries. A Parenting Plan for handovers and schedules needs to be specific in the minutia. The where, what, when and how needs to be in the detail. Leave nothing to chance. Handovers need to be drama free and should take place in a neutral location. Communication between the parents should be limited, formal and simplified. Schedules are mostly rigid and need to be adhered to so there’s very little allowance for accommodating the others request for schedule change. Find a good Parenting App for you both to use as a family. It helps to have all communication in one place.
The new normal.
With limited communication comes the possibility that you may have to accept that you will be unaware of what’s happening in a large chunk of your child’s life. It’s a big adjustment. Robust parallel parenting usually means that parents are not in the same room at the same time, and you miss out on some important events in your child’s life. No mixing together potentially means that you miss out on birthdays, school plays, and medical appointments. Are you ready to miss out on important occasions and for that to be your reality?
How will it affect your child if you are not at the school play? This is a reality check for Parallel Parenting. You won’t be able to have it all your own way and may need to compromise. Tight boundaries work both ways. This may take some getting used to, especially if you have never missed a milestone in your child’s life.
Parallel Parenting doesn’t have to be forever.
Parenting arrangements can change by mutual agreement. The relationship you have today doesn’t have to be forever. Restricting communication after a messy separation may be necessary but with time things could heal and change. One day you may be able to sit together at your child’s wedding and share fond memories. Relationships change, children grow, and time moves forward.
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