So, you’re getting another divorce, a second one. You have survived the process before and you can most likely survive it again. Why does it feel so different the second time around?
Second time divorces can come with a whole new barrage of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. What is happening to you?
When you announced the breakdown of your first marriage, maybe your family and friends rallied around you, perhaps they supported you and held you up when you felt like falling. Maybe they helped you through the early dark days of separation and kept you company in your solitude on the days that you didn’t have your children.
Perhaps you rebuilt your life, remarried, and never thought you would be back in this situation. What are you going to do? If your support circle isn’t around to help, how will you get the support you need?
Second time divorces.
The end of the first marriage is openly afforded a lot of support whereas the second marriage ending is often shrouded in disappointment, secrecy, and shame. Not everyone wants to go through the drama of their friends second divorce.
People facing their second divorce are often worried that they are being judged by others. Gossip happens, opinions will be given, especially if others don’t know the story behind the split. In reality, the harshest judgement is often self-judgement. Second divorce shame is often full of self-pity and regret. How did it all go so wrong for a second time and why weren’t lessons learned the first time around?
If you only physically change your spouse and not your own behaviour, you can find yourself in this situation time and time again. There are at least two people in every relationship therefore you should look at the role you played, learn from your experience, and adjust your behaviour if necessary.
It could be easier to divorce a second time.
Not everyone suffers shame at the ending of their second marriage. It may be that their first marriage and divorce taught them not to prolong the experience. Who wants to stay in an unsatisfying marriage a second time around? Quick decisions might be reached to bail out of the marriage rather than prolong the pain.
There are plenty of second marriages that occur to stop the person feeling lonely, filling the gap that their first marriage left behind. These may not be grand passionate loves, and some might even be rebound marriages. These marriages can be very successful, especially if you both married for companionship. However, the flipside is that these marriages might be easier to end if there isn’t the complication of love involved.
Second marriages often involve additional aspects of blended families, first marriage financial obligations, complicated ex-spouse relationships etc. They involve more people and have more issues to deal with. Even with a deep love you might need wisdom, patience, commitment, and compromise to make a successful second marriage. Luckily second marriages often come with age and life experience.
It’s not all bad news for second marriages.
The Office of National Statistics records the number of divorces in England and Wales. The data doesn’t specify if the divorces were primarily from first marriages therefore it can be difficult to determine statistics on second marriage dissolution. The divorce rate in this country has remained stable for many years. It is worth noting that less people are marrying in the UK and we have seen an increase in cohabitation without marriage. Therefore, statistics don’t show an increase in the divorce rate but there might be an increase in the break-up of serious relationships.
The charity, The Marriage Foundation UK has provided data regarding second marriages. The overall divorce rate for first time marriages in the England and Wales is recorded at 42%, whereas the divorce rate for second marriages is around 31%. These results would seem to indicate that second marriages can be successful, and it isn’t all doom and gloom.
Links:
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriageshttp://
