It probably isn’t a surprise to hear that the topic of the other woman/man often arises in relationship counselling. However, the surprise might be that the other woman/man usually isn’t a romantic or work partner. The other woman/man is your partner’s parent. How do you deal with your in-laws in your marriage?

Across Britain today, many spouses and partners will be arguing over how to deal with this third person in their relationship. Divorces are occurring where no infidelity has taken place. It may seem unbelievable to others, but people do get divorced over their mother-in-law.

It should be simple: love him, love his mum! Ha – if only life was that simple.

This doesn’t apply to me.

If this doesn’t apply to you, you are lucky or have found a way to deal with the in-law problem.

Let’s consider the growing-up process. In the Western world, an infant needs a parent or caregiver to survive. The infant grows, and sometime in adolescence or young adulthood, it breaks away and forms its own separate life and often its own separate family. The balancing act requires being a family member (and child) of their original family and a founding member of their new family.

Marriages tend to be less traditional now, but the wedding service in the Common Book of Prayer mentions ‘forsaking all others’. What does that mean to you, and are you putting your partner and your relationship first if you allow one of your parents to interfere constantly?

The most effective way to ensure the value of the future is to confront the present courageously and constructively – Rollo Reece May

That’s my problem. How do I deal with my in-laws in my marriage?

There are a myriad of ways to deal with your in-laws in your marriage issue. A perfect solution would be for your partner and yourself to remain united, calmly discuss each issue, and form a way forward in unison. Problem solved!

It sounds easy, but we will always be our parents’ children. A ninety-year-old parent still thinks they know best for their child, and a sixty-year-old may still feel like a child in their parent’s presence.

It is easy to become the third person in this triangle, and it shouldn’t be a triangle. There’s no room for triangles in a couple. Healthy marriages don’t allow a third person to dictate. Healthy marriages contain healthy boundaries. Deal with your in-laws in your marriage.

First step.

Firstly, there needs to be a recognition that there is a problem. If only one of you thinks there’s a problem, there’s a chance that your marriage won’t survive. After all, who wants to be married to someone who takes all their issues to their parent or someone who lets their parent dictate the rules of their marriage?

Sit down with your partner and explain how you are feeling. Let them know that you aren’t happy with the situation. If these issues are typically brought up in a screaming match, trying to get your message across calmly and measuredly is essential. You want your partner to hear and process what you are saying.

Set boundaries.

Once the problem has been acknowledged, it is time for action. Work together to set acceptable boundaries. Be compassionate with each other. Listen to each other’s point of view. Don’t assume you know the answer; clarify with your partner if you don’t understand. Don’t forget that your partner may not like or love your parents; they don’t have childhood loyalties to consider.

Try to put yourself in each other’s shoes. Sitting and reflecting on how it feels to be your partner in this situation can be helpful. I know a couple who sat in each other’s chair to try and see how it felt from a different point of view. If you find this exercise difficult, get a relationship coach to help. You may find dealing with your in-law difficult, but your partner has the added difficulty of the parent/child relationship and all it encompasses.

Make a list of rules; if it helps, both sign it. Over time, it is easy to forget what you have agreed to. You may wish to inform your family of the new rules, or you may want to change your behaviour and hope that everyone around you can feel the difference.

Most people stop overstepping when they realise their actions no longer get them the desired results. As tedious as it may seem, stick consistently to your boundaries and be prepared to be challenged. If your in-law is used to getting their way, there’s a possibility that they are going to resist the new changes.

Disrespecting your elders.

I’m 52 years old. Most people in the UK from my generation were taught to respect the generations above. I remember standing in a bakery as an eight-year-old, trying to buy a loaf of bread. It was a different time when children could be sent alone on small errands. It was a busy bakery, and the women behind me in the queue were talking over my head and choosing to be served before me. The ladies serving were choosing to let this happen. Finally, a gentleman acknowledged my presence and insisted I be served.

In 2025, everyone and anyone can be respected, and you no longer have to accept bad behaviour from your elders. People from my generation may be conditioned to treat our elders with respect, but respect is not a given; it is earned.

Cutting ties or stepping back a bit.

As dramatic as it may seem, some people can not deal with their in-laws in their marriage. It may be that to save your marriage, you may need to distance yourself from other family members. It depends on your priorities. I have met couples who have chosen to separate from their birth families completely. It isn’t a perfect answer for everyone, but sometimes toxic relationships may need to be cut when all else fails.

A last word.

There are plenty of examples of healthy in-law relationships. Even if comics and the media stereotype relationships as being bad, this is not always the case. Remember, the common bond between yourself and your in-laws is the person in the middle whom you both love. Even in broken relationships, if you agree that you share love and respect for this same person, there’s a chance that you can at least find a way to be civil in each other’s presence. You might even find a way to like and respect each other.

Helpful Links

https://www.churchofengland.org/prayer-and-worship/worship-texts-and-resources/book-common-prayer