Life scripts and why they are important.
A life script is an unconscious life plan that we make for ourselves from a very early age. We are forming this plan as small children and without awareness we are living this plan throughout our lives. Our parents, family and care givers (teachers, religious leaders, babysitters etc) and the situations around us as children help form our script. We subconsciously plan these scripts like a drama, they have a beginning, middle and end and we can spend our life playing our leading role in our script.
Siblings growing up in the same family can have very different life scripts. It is not only what we are told as children but how we react to that information we are receiving. Two children can grow up hearing that they are ‘useless good for nothings’ and react very differently to that information. One sibling can hear it as a self-fulfilling prophecy and the other can spend their whole life proving it wrong.
Eric Berne M.D. (1910 – 1970) was a prominent psychiatrist who created a new theory called Transactional Analysis. It is a psychotherapeutic theory based on personality and is used to help a person understand how they are structured psychologically in their beliefs and how they relate to others. He introduced the world to life scripts.
My life script.
Some life scripts are helpful, but many are there pecking away at our personality and effectiveness in everyday life.
I can give you a few of mine from childhood:
- Be a good girl
- Be a clever girl
- Be brave
- Big girls don’t cry
- Share. Be kind
- Don’t complain, think of others worse off than you
I’ve even added to them as an adult in times of vulnerability:
- People you love die on you – be careful not to love too much.
These can be helpful as well as self-limiting. Can you exceed and be successful if you are considering others all the time? Can you fully commit and love someone if you are worrying that they are going to die on you? If you don’t complain, can you tell people what you really feel and have an honest relationship?
For all its flaws, this life script list is honestly mine. By understanding my script, I can choose to change it. I can comprehend when I react in a certain way, nothings a mystery. Even if I don’t like my behaviour, I can at least understand the source. I can see when my script is no longer serving me well.
Why would I share my life script with you?
Perhaps I am oversharing, but I wanted you to see a life script example. It would be inappropriate to share an anonymous clients life script (they are so personal) so I am sharing my own. Every action and decision I take has unconsciously been vetted with my life script positions. On the odd occasion that I go against my script, I feel guilt ridden.
I was raised in a happy family. My parents were loving, and I loved them in return. I understand the source of my life script. I have both studied and practised Transactional Analysis Theory. My scripts don’t often serve me well and still, when I find myself in stressful situations I fall back into old patterns and behaviours. My life script comes out to play and to sabotage, it runs havoc through my decision making.
How does this relate to you and your relationship?
If you are going through relationship struggles, considering separation and divorce or even getting a divorce, it is a good idea to understand yourself and why you are reacting to a situation. I invite you to spend some time discovering your own life script. On a practical level, this self-knowledge can potentially save you money in your divorce. If you don’t want to do this alone then get some professional help from a coach or a therapist. I don’t recommend that you ask a friend as you may end up with their impression of your life script and, if you are a people pleaser, if may not go well for you!
Understanding your life script may be helpful if you find yourself in the following situations:
- Do you find yourself in your divorce arguing over the small stuff, or perhaps you are capitulating and giving your spouse everything and leaving yourself short?
- Are your infidelities or constant need for attention something that you want to get a grip of, and understand why they are happening?
- Are you struggling to fulfil your role as a new stepparent and is this affecting your relationship?
The answers can be found in your life script.
How to relate and communicate with your spouse / ex.
Eric Berne M.D. created an ego state model (PAC model) that said in relationship our behaviours, thoughts and feelings either behave or respond in an Adult, Parent and Child ego state. Communication and relationships run smoother when we behave and respond like adults with each other.
Take a look at your own behaviour, and think about how you relate with your ex. Do you communicate together as adults?
Clare and Tom.
Here’s an example of Clare and Tom, a couple going through a divorce:
Clare complained and moaned that her ex-Tom doesn’t return the children on time. At handovers she would be visibly and verbally annoyed. She would openly chastise Tom in front of the children. She would stand at her front door, hands on her hips, shouting and screaming. Her children would run into the house away from the noise and drama. The ending moments they spent with their dad were fractious for the children, there was no hug and loving ‘goodbye’ at the doorstep.
Tom had stopped apologising at handovers. He would hand the children over with a scowl at Clare. He knew he was going to get ‘told off’ and no longer offered an explanation as to why he was late. Their handovers were legendry, and their neighbours could often here Tom being berated.
This is a situation where one member of the couple is behaving like a chastising parent and the other reacts like a naughty child. The situation would have a very different outcome if the couple were relating in the adult ego state with each other. If an adult conversation was to take place a reasonable explanation might unfold regarding the perpetual tardiness. There may be valid reasons why Tom is late, and if he could communicate these reasons in an adult manner, the handover time may have a very different outcome. If Clare could communicate calmly how she feels disappointed, disrespected and discarded, it may result in Tom making sure that the children were home on time.
In divorce we can forget to communicate as adults, and everyone involved suffers the consequence.
Exploring your life scripts.
Do you want to explore your life script? I offer a three-hour life script workshop. Interested? Contact me at www.practical-help.co.uk for further details.
Helpful links:
I found Eric Berne’s book really useful:
