I delved into the internet and the general consensus is that hatred isn’t great for our body. It releases stress hormones into our brain and over stimulates our nervous system. Hate can cause both negative mental and physical symptoms in our body. I couldn’t find a lot of positive things relating to hate and overall general health. If feeling this way isn’t helpful, how do we avoid hatred in divorce?
A happy divorce.
Happy divorces are rare. I have seen glimpses of good divorces, and perhaps one or two amicable ones. Even the best divorces often involve pain, shame, regret and disappointment. These emotions take a toll on our bodies. Additionally, the divorce itself takes a toll on our finances which then adds pressure to our mental and physical wellbeing.
It’s a conundrum, knowing that your negative feelings are familiar and probably justified, but also knowing that holding onto these feelings aren’t doing you a favour. There’s often a reluctance to stop punishing your ex-partner even if it is a detriment to your health and mental wellness. In some divorces I have seen real fury, cartoon like steam coming out of your ears fury. This emotion can help fuel movement in a time of inertia, it might even be helpful for a short while, but it most likely won’t be helpful for long. Staying permanently furious can take a serious toll on your body and the relationships around you. How are you going to avoid hate?
What’s your hatred doing to your children?
It is understandable to want to lash out when we are in pain. Like a wounded animal, it is hard not to retaliate, to hurt the person who has caused the damage. In this type of situation, family and friends can encourage and promote revenge. Be careful not to fall into this trap as an ‘eye for an eye’ can end with children having two partially blind parents.
Can you be the better person? Can you rise above the pain and decide that this is not what your children need? After the hurt and pain subsides (it should eventually but it may never fully go away), you will need to co-parent with your ex-partner. If you aspire to have happy and stable children you will need to co-parent consistently well.
If you are tempted to lash out, it may be useful to imagine that every nasty retort or painful insult that you throw at your ex is being sent directly towards your children. Badmouthing in front of your children can cause them long lasting emotional pain. Most children adore both of their parents (irrespective of fault), therefore witnessing arguments or sensing disharmony can be extremely damaging. Badmouthing is not appropriate and it isn’t good parenting. You may believe you are the victim (and you might be) and still come across as the perpetrator to your children.
How’s your hatred affecting your other relationships?
Your friends and family will have a limit to how long they will tolerate your wallowing in divorce pain. If people start finding excuses not to see you, then perhaps you have emptied that well of sympathy and understanding. It is self-indulgent to wrap yourself in hate and bitterness. If the divorce is a fait accompli and there’s no going back, staying stuck in your misery hurts yourself as much as it hurts your ex. It can be like picking an irresistible scab on a wound that will never heal.
I have a friend who is desperately trying to find a new partner yet is still clearly livid at her ex. Who would want to start something new with such an angry person? It’s hardly a recipe for success. She can’t understand why she isn’t meeting a decent guy. There isn’t any space for a healthy relationship whilst she is still wrapped up in anger.
If this resonates, process and understand your own past so it doesn’t reappear in your next relationship. It is worth noting that I have yet to witness an end of a relationship where the fault was purely one sided, take ownership of your own mistakes.
How to navigate an ex-partner who is exhibiting hatred.
You could be reading this and thinking that you have your hatred and anger in check. It might not matter how you feel if your ex is still angry, and every situation is a potential explosion and outburst. What can you do to make things better? Can you get your ex to agree to keep the anger and badmouthing away from the children? You may have to accept that your partner might be angry for a long time. The only thing that you can control is how you react in each situation. Remember, it is difficult for someone to remain angry if you refuse to retaliate.
Divorce well.
If divorce is inevitable, then divorce reasonably and divorce well. If both parties come out of the divorce thinking it was fair there is more chance of a healthy co-parenting relationship going forward.
In contrast, don’t be tempted to be a pushover in order to keep the peace as this too could impede a future healthy relationship. Be fair and keep the children you share as your joint focus.
I am not a believer in fairy tales and divorce is painful. Try to be thankful for your children and the love you once had. Try to move on with dignity.
To the family – that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.
Grand Toast in Dear Octopus by Dodie Smith, 1938
