Tom
I want to introduce you to Tom and Lara. I met them when they had been dating for a year. Tom had survived a difficult divorce with a spouse who (in his opinion) hadn’t had a nice word to say about him in years. He had endured the pain and had managed to forge a new life and move on.
Tom not only survived but was actually thriving when I met him. He had a new home and a new life and appeared to be excited, happy and hopeful for the future. He admitted that he couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy.
Tom was satisfied with the level of contact he had with his children. The girls had adjusted well and seemed to be able to transition from one house to the other with ease. He appeared pleased, almost smug with his ideal divorce and separation.
Tom was happy and in love. He adored his new partner Lara, and he wanted everyone else to adore her too. Tom wanted to include her in everything he did, and she was present whenever he spent time with his children.
Lara.
Lara had never been married and didn’t have any children of her own. She owned her own home but more or less lived with Tom in his new apartment. They were committed to each other, and both assumed that their future would be together. Having a divorced partner was new to Lara. She was an only child and didn’t have a lot of adult experience spending time with children. She went out of her way to plan fun things to do to make the girls visits special.
The children (both little girls, ages 7 and 9 years) were polite and seemed to enjoy spending time with their father and Lara. The were well behaved and seemed accepting of the changes in their lives.
Everything is perfect, isn’t it?
It was Lara who first made contact. She wanted to talk about being a stepmum and she wanted advice on how to broach a conversation with Tom. On his daughters last visit, the elder little girl had told her (when Tom was out jogging) that she didn’t like that Lara was always at the house spending time with their dad and that their dad loved them more than he loved Lara. The conversation ended abruptly when Tom arrived back at the apartment. Lara was flummoxed and pretended for the rest of the weekend that the conversation hadn’t happened.
When I spoke to Lara, she admitted that she had no idea how to proceed and was surprised by the bitterness in the child’s language and voice. She feared that Tom wouldn’t believe her as the behaviour had been out of character. She was also afraid to disturb their happiness as they had never had an argument, and she couldn’t see a way of avoiding disappointing Tom.
What should Lara do?
Lara and Tom had been living in a bliss bubble for one year. I was astonished that this would be their first family related issue. We explored Lara’s reaction and why she hadn’t told Tom. Difficult conversations and sensitive issues are par for the course in divorce and separation. Jealousy is a natural feeling that arises in the stepchild and stepparent relationship. These emotions can become caustic if they are hidden and unexpressed.
It is completely natural for a nine-year-old to feel this way. Sometimes children just want to spend time with their parent. Outbursts are to be expected and her parents should be there to help her explore and resolve how she is feeling. Hiding this information from Tom will not make the situation go away. Additionally, Lara’s silence may have even increased the anxiety and worry for Tom’s daughter as she had expressed deep feeling and nothing (either positive or negative) had appeared to have been done about it.
Children can feel tremendous responsibility regarding their parents’ wellbeing, and they often take it upon themselves to protect, hide and keep quiet. This may be why Lara was chosen to be the recipient of the young girl’s outburst. However, in contrast, it could have been impulsive and not calculated at all. Tom’s daughter may have been simply lashing out to avoid her own unwanted thoughts and feelings. It’s a good idea to talk to your child and not assume you know the source of their discontent.
Being a stepparent can be challenging enough without having the added responsibility of trying to be the parent. Ideally, Lara’s role needed to be one of support. She could inform Tom of the circumstances and allow him to choose how he wanted to react.
What happened next?
Lara shared her concerns and Tom was able to listen. He had been so happy in his new life that it hadn’t occurred to him that his daughters could be struggling or that his girlfriend might have concerns of her own. Lara didn’t think it was necessary for her to spend so much time with Tom’s children.
A nine-year-old child is saying that she sometimes just wants to be with her dad, and she doesn’t want to share him. Tom may be in a relationship, but he also has to think and make decisions like a father. It is ok and it is natural for his daughter to have these feelings. It can take a while for a child to become attached to a new person. Some children will never love their stepparent, and it may never advance to an easy relationship.
Love may also not come naturally to the stepparent. You can’t force emotion but you can ask that the stepparent is kind, respectful and conscious that they are dealing with a child (even an adult child).
Tom’s decision.
Tom made the decision to meet up with his children alone. He talked and he listened to both of his girls. As young as they were, the girls were able to understand that their parents weren’t reconciling. Tom understood their wishes that sometimes they just wanted to be with him, and he put in place trips, and evenings when it would just be the three of them. In our meeting he was able to admit that he hadn’t really thought of his new relationship from the perspective of his daughters. There had been a lot of changes in their young lives.
I only met Tom twice, he had a good divorce and was lucky to find new love. Being a single dad takes adjustment and sometimes you need to stand in the shoes of your child and see things from their perspective. Luckily, Tom was open to suggestion and was willing to make changes.
Lara is still occasionally in contact as she has the odd stepmum ‘wobble’ and wants to share her thoughts and feelings with someone neutral. She is a stepmum that cares, and the girls are lucky to have her in their lives.
