Children are great at adapting; they soon learn how to live in two homes with two sets of rules. They know what to expect when they are with their dad, and they know what not to do at their mum’s house etc. Most children manage to comfortably slot into both homes with ease, even if one house is full of step siblings and new babies and the other is just them and their parent.
It is often the parents who disagree with the two sets of rules.
Not every parent is happy with the rules in the other house.
What happens if both homes are very different and if steak is on the menu in one house and only noodles in the other? What if one home is a tiny flat and the other a six-bedroom house? It is important that the children be happy in both homes. You may have to communicate with your ex-partner to deal with the issue of wealth disparity. Should children be afforded similar lifestyles in both homes?
Religion.
In modern day Britain there are many mixed faith marriages. It stands to reason that there are now many mixed faith divorces and many issues which arrive with these divorces.
What happens if you maintained a kosher home whilst married? Is your ex-partner expected to follow the dietary requirements of your faith in their new home even if they don’t follow your faith? If prawns and ham are on the menu you may have a legal right to request that your ex-partner reconsiders the food they are serving (if you are willing to take this issue to court). Whatever the outcome, you have a right to feel disappointed that your ex is obviously flouting your religious beliefs.
What are your expectations regarding attending church? A friend’s non-Catholic ex-husband refuses to take their children to mass on the weekends when they are staying with him. For a Catholic, mass should be attended every Sunday (or the vigil mass on a Saturday evening). My friend is further saddened that the children are now complaining and showing reluctance to go to church even in her care. The children would prefer to spend the day relaxing, playing games and watching tv just like they do with their father.
In a loving relationship we often adjust our beliefs and rituals to please our partner. We give our consent for our children to be raised in a faith that isn’t our own. When the love stops our tolerance for our ex-partners religious beliefs often stop too.
Food Preferences.
My friend Angela is a vegan, and she only allows vegan food in her home. She has recently found out that her children both enjoy eating meat, dairy and fish whilst with their father. My friend is livid, she hates that her children aren’t following a vegan diet. It goes against a fundamental belief of hers and she feels disrespected by her ex-partner and is equally dismayed that her children love the food that their father provides. Are her feelings justified? Do you have a right to insist on your rules being followed in your ex-partners home?
Weekend Sports.
Extra-curricular and weekend activities can prove problematic in a divorce. If your ex-partner signs your children up for weekend activities, are you expected to take your child to these activities when they are in your care? After your separation it may be your Sunday morning ritual to stand at the side of a cold rugby pitch. Your ex-husband thinks it is important, but do you? You also may have to be prepared for your ex-partner to occasionally show up at matches and practices. Are you emotionally able to stand with your ex-partner for a couple of hours watching your child?
Activities and Parties.
If your new home is far away from the family home, are you required to drive backwards and forwards in order for your children to attend playdates and parties? In my experience little children hate missing a party and probably won’t like the idea that you are the reason that they can’t attend.
When children become teenagers, they have a desire to spend time away from their parents. If there is a party near to home, they are likely to want to attend rather than spend the weekend away at their other parent’s house. Social status is important to most teenagers. If you want a happy child, you may need to compromise when it comes to contact times. You might have to get creative with your schedule and potentially get used to being a taxi service.
Taxi driving isn’t a bad role for a parent of teenagers. I found out about my children’s lives on those late-night car rides driving back from parties, and was able to see how my children interacted with their friends. I wish I could still be the taxi driver to my adult children. Being a taxi service was fun and I was always happy to be the volunteering parent.
Helping your child (and yourself) adapt to two homes.
I mentioned at the start that children are often great at adapting to their two homes and that it may be the adults who are struggling with this new way of life. Your child will be sensitive to your responses and moods when they return from spending time with their other parent. They aren’t responsible for your separation, and they certainly don’t need to feel your anger or feel guilty for enjoying their time away from you.
Before you rush to anger and judgement at your ex-partner, try to put yourself in their shoes. You may not like them, but you do know them well. If your ex’s behaviour still doesn’t make sense to you, hold a meeting, have a conversation, communicate. Hold this conversation away from your child. Sort out your co-parenting issues so that your child feels happy transitioning from one house to another. Find acceptance in the fact that things will be different in your ex-partners home, afterall you once trusted them enough to have a baby with them. Childhood is short and children soon grow and move on with their own individual lives. They have a right to two parents and a right to be free to love both.
Helpful links.
Two great books for little children:
https://www.waterstones.com/book/two-homes/claire-masurel/kady-macdonald-denton/9780744589252 –
