‘We don’t get wounded alone and we don’t heal alone’ – Carl Jung
I have previously spoken about the loneliness of an unhappy marriage but there is another type of loneliness that I want to mention – the loneliness of separation. There’s the emptiness of spending the first Christmas without your daughter or the isolation of two long weeks whilst your son is in Spain with your ex and their new partner. Nothing prepares a parent for how alone they can feel after marital separation and it may take a supportive community to help get you through the tough early days.
One client mentioned that her separation really hit home when she had to take her child to Accident and Emergency in the middle of the night. Her ex wasn’t answering his phone and she realised that she had no idea where he was – she was a single parent. This was her first emergency alone and in that moment, she wished she hadn’t separated. It didn’t occur to her to call anyone else on her backup list as she didn’t even have a list. It was then that I encouraged her to gather her people as she needed to make her own new crew.
Making a list of your new crew.
In your marriage, you perhaps had a group of people in your social circle, your crew of friends and family with whom you socialised and could call on for help. Now it is time to make a new single parent list, a new crew of people to gather around you. It is important to find your own supportive community. Some people from your past might still make the cut but probably not everyone. Separation means that you inevitably lose a few friends and family along the way. Not everyone will stay in contact, people often pick sides when a relationship dissolves.
Your ex partner.
Your ex is probably the first person on your list for shared childcare. As the child’s other parent, they should be equally involved in their welfare. If you are struggling to communicate with your ex, stick purely to the topic of your children. Hold a meeting to discuss each others expectations of childcare. Have a mutual friend adjudicate if needed. Remember that you both want what is best for your child.
Parents from school.
School parents can be a tremendous help and you need to get practical with your new support system. There will be times when you are running late and simply can’t make the school pickup on time. Who can help you? Make friends with other parents and offer to be each other’s emergency backup for pickups and drop offs. Don’t forget school won’t release your child into another’s care unless they have your prior permission.
Making friends with other parents is a great idea. You can lean on each other and become part of each others crew. This is very much a reciprocal friendship. Not only are other parents great for your social life but they will have similar parenting experience to you and can be a great source of advice.
Grandparents.
Grandparents are an excellent source of help. They most likely adore and want to spend time with your children. Include your ex’s parents too as they will always be in your child’s life, and it behoves you to have a relationship with them. Grandparents often have spare time and can be available at moment’s notice. Not everyone is lucky enough to have the grandparents living nearby. If this is the case, maybe they can help in the holidays by spending extended periods of time with your child. Grandparents may not be part of your social circle, but they can help with childcare whilst you enjoy your social activities.
Family members.
Don’t forget to utilise the family members at your disposal, even your in-laws. You may still want to be friends with your ex’s family. It may be awkward at first to be together, but if you enjoyed a healthy relationship before, there’s a good chance that you can achieve some form of new relationship in the future. They can still be part of your crew. There’s no rules that say you can’t be friends with your ex in-laws, it may be uncomfortable for new partners but why stop being friends with people you may have known and loved for a long time?
Friends.
My parents’ friends had an important place in my life growing up. They were members of our family crew. This was a group of young parents from similar backgrounds who helped each other out. They weren’t embarrassed to ask each other for help and it was commonplace to have at least half a dozen children playing together in one of the houses at any time. Some of my strongest bonds today are with the children of these parents. This gathered crew of adults holidayed together, partied together, and often parented each other’s children. They were always there for each other.
These kinds of friends are invaluable. They are the do as you ask without conditions kind of people. They are the ones you can call up and ask to sit with you in Accident and Emergency at 3am and you won’t have to ask twice. The men of this group carried my father’s coffin, they were life time members on my parents list. These type of people form a solid foundation for your crew.
Members from your social groups.
Think about the social groups of which you belong. Your new list of people can come from all areas in your life, your church, your gym, your work, book club etc.
Babysitters, nannies, childminders etc.
In modern life we often don’t live near our family. Who do you get to help you when there’s no family nearby? Not everyone wants or can afford paid help but the very nature of paid help means that it is dependable. Having a trusted paid sitter on your list is invaluable. If you are in a city, you’ll be able to use agencies to provide care. After a separation, you may want to limit the exposure of new people to your child. If you decide to use agency staff, it might be an idea to try and use the same people. Familiarity can be comforting for children.
A new life.
Having an independent social life shouldn’t have to stop at divorce. Even if you are the primary carer of your children you still deserve an adult independent life of your own. Feeling fulfilled in your personal life, having laughter, social contact and conversation is part of being an adult. Gather enough people around so you can achieve a happy balanced life.
