After divorce and separation there are many hurdles to jump and many firsts to experience. There’s the first holiday alone, the first away weekend as well as the first time you get to officially meet your ex’s new partner. The list is endless.
Meeting your ex’s new partner can be a daunting experience. Perhaps their new partner is a younger, shinier and less jaded version of you. Interestingly they may have chosen your complete opposite for their new partner. Maybe your children have already met and really like them, and you could even feel in competition with them. If you live in a small town, they may be someone you already know.
This new partner could end up being the stepparent of your child. What if they aren’t nice, or what if they are too nice? What if you don’t agree with their style of parenting? There are many potential situations that could be running through your head.
The first meeting.
How do you prepare to meet an ex’s new partner? I have friends and clients that have had to experience the first meeting. They talked about dressing up, wearing makeup, visiting the hair salon, wearing control underwear, high heels etc. One friend mentioned that she felt ancient and decrepit and was almost old enough to be the new girlfriend’s mum and didn’t feel that this woman was an appropriate person to be occasionally in charge of her children’s care.
I know of a situation where the ex-husband tried so hard to get his ex-wife and girlfriend to become friends. He had this fantasy that they could all be one big happy family, even though he was the one to have an affair.
It’s a surreal occasion, one day you are marrying the love of your life and then years later you end up in a restaurant meeting the person who is going to become your child’s stepparent. How did it come to this? Every future important family occasion will potentially have to be shared and every argument and undercurrent of tension will be felt by your child.
How to behave.
This is your chance to rise above your thoughts and feelings and be the parent your child needs you to be. Stay calm, hold your counsel, don’t raise your voice and don’t forget to smile occasionally / appropriately. Even if this meeting goes well it won’t necessarily be easy. Sitting opposite you is the person with whom you were meant to spend the rest of your life, and they are now sitting next to someone else.
Are they long-term?
This new partner could be around for the rest of your life. Imagine them being present for the birth of your grandchild, the funeral of your sister-in-law etc.
Conversely, they may only be around for a short while. If so, should you become invested?
It’s hard to tell if there’s longevity in your ex’s new relationship and if this meeting is worth it. Let’s assume that the meeting taking place is an indication of the relationship being serious enough. Afterall, who wants to meet multiple new partners over the years? How many new potential stepparents does your child need? Have the conversation with your ex and reach an agreement on when it is appropriate to introduce a new partner to your children and to yourself.
Be mature.
If you think that the divorce will be the only difficult part of separation, then think again. If you have a family together, being divorced can be a lifelong commitment. Being a divorced parent requires maturity, flexibility and forgiveness. It means putting your child’s needs above you own. Above all else, you need to love your child more than you resent your ex-partner. This is no small task. You divorced for a reason and there’s a good chance that you really don’t like your ex-partner and here I am flippantly throwing around words like ‘forgiveness’ and ‘flexibility’.
Can you accept and forgive the affair and be in a room together without arguing? Can you forgive or put aside all the times they let you down and rise above the past hurts and accept a new stepparent into your child’s life and therefore your life?
It’s reality, your ex-partner will be at the weddings, funerals, school plays, sports days, graduations, big family celebrations. The ‘until death do us part’ doesn’t totally end with a divorce if you have children.
If your ex-partner is going to be in your life in some capacity or other, then ask yourself how you can make the relationship better. If possible, have the conversation with your ex-partner and discuss expectations, ideal ground rules, the roles the new partners may play in your child’s life etc.
Reality.
The reality is that most marriages don’t end well and sitting down with your ex-partner to discuss ground rules may be a step too far. You may not approve but your ex-partner can date whomever they like, and if you choose not to engage and be friends with your ex, you will have no say or influence on who they decide to be in relationship with.
A reality of divorce is that your child’s life will change. Their time could be split between parents, and they may be introduced to new partners and their children. Your child may struggle to adapt and not like sharing their parent with new partners or stepchildren. Families grow and blend, new babies are born. There could be a lot of change forced on your children, even if you choose not to adapt and get on board.
Helpful link:
https://www.practical-help.co.uk/2024/01/23/new-partners-introducing-them-to-your-children/
