A year ago, I turned fifty. My gift to myself was a two-month hiatus from my life. I recognised that I needed time out to reset. Lucky for me, I have an amazingly supportive husband and he was willing to accept that I needed to escape for a while. My children were also fully on-board and encouraged me to go explore. I was able to travel to Sri Lanka, thousands of miles from home.
Being an organised mum and uncertified control freak I started to worry about all the chores that I would normally undertake in our life. The everyday little chores that nobody saw but ensured that our lives run smoothly. Who would step in and replace me when I was gone?
I was worried that the house wouldn’t be clean and that the dishes would sit a long time dirty before being placed in the dishwasher. I distracted my travel preparations with thoughts of a dirty kitchen floor, and I pondered over whether the bed linen would be changed weekly. Who would clean the bath or water the plants?
Divorce is like a permanent trip to Sri Lanka.
Today I recognise that divorce is like your partner has gone on a permanent trip to Sri Lanka. There will be no return leg of their journey. Eventually, after all the sadness, we need to get practical. Unless our ex-partner was totally useless or absent, we soon realise that there are a whole raft of chores, both menial and clerical that are no longer being taken care of in our home. So what happens to the chores after divorce?
I have a friend who was ashamed to admit that she only realised how much her ex-husband contributed to their everyday life after he was gone. She had assumed for years that he ‘did nothing’ to help and had nagged and complained regularly. Afterwards, she discovered that he did a lot more than nothing and she was suddenly having to develop a few new skills in her mid-life. She did not have bundles of extra cash to spend on a handyman, so she was YouTubing her way through fixing tiles, unblocking sinks and mending a puncture on her bike.
Moving Home.
Moving home is often necessary after a separation. For some, this might be the first time that they have had to do it alone. There’s rafts of paperwork and tons to organise, and perhaps your partner took care of this side of your life. Who organises new schools, registers for local services? Who helps you with the heavy lifting and with whom will you share the load?
Gather a team about you.
You may have heard of the saying ‘many hands make light work’, and it is applicable in these circumstances. Gather a team of family, friends, professionals etc to help you to ease into your new life. There will be skills galore in your friendship circle. You may have a friend who has been through divorce, ask for their advice, hopefully you can learn from their experience.
If you find yourself lacking in a certain skill, get help. Make yourself a comfortable home, whether it is a new space or your old one. If you fancy it, host a Paint Party and paint the wall yellow. Create a space you want to relax and live in; you get to make the decisions now.
Think practically.
It stands to reason that as a couple you were able to share the load of the chores. In an established relationship, the division of chores will have been long settled. Practically, you are now alone, and it may be impossible to do everything yourself. If you can afford to pay for help, get a cleaner, a handyman, a therapist etc. If spare cash isn’t bountiful trade your skills with another. A friend of a friend batch cooks meals for a person who does all her gardening. You don’t have to be skilled at everything.
Pick yourself up.
A divorce is a huge change in your life and there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you stumble for a while. My mother was full of positivity and managed to conquer most adversity. She has been dead many years now, but I can still hear her singing to us. When my siblings and I were younger and suffering some loss, in her not perfect voice, she would sing to us, ‘Pick yourself Up’.
I remember the lyrics vividly and still hear her singing when times are tough today:
Nothing’s impossible, I have found
For when my chin is on the ground.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And start all over again.Don’t lose your confidence
Excerpt taken from the song ‘Pick yourself up’ – 1936. Composer: Jerome Kern, Lyrics: Dorothy Fields
If you slip
Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off
And start all over again.’’
