After a marriage ends, when is it too soon to date again? How do you prevent being in a rebound relationship?
I have checked on the internet, it’s official – My name is Jo, and I am a reboundee! My husband and I started dating soon after his marriage ended. He hadn’t wanted his marriage to end, he hadn’t spent months detaching and wasn’t prepared for it.
I can only imagine that twenty-six years ago our new relationship was a topic of conversation and gossip. My husband, newly single, a bit lost, suddenly not living with his three adorable children, finds himself befriending a much younger woman (me). I envisage that we were thought of as a bit of a cliché. If this had been my best friend in this relationship, I would have advised her to get out whilst she still could. The chances of a rebound relationship turning into a long-lasting enduring love relationship is extremely rare. Come to think of it, a couple of my good friends did express their concern.
What does the internet say about rebounding?
The internet (the fountain of all our wisdom) has many ideas what a rebound is but there seems a consensus that a rebound is a relationship / sexual interaction with a new person not long after and whilst you are still emotionally attached to an old relationship.
The internet agrees that these relationships are generally doomed, and they won’t last. Rebounding is mostly there to help you feel better about yourself, a quick painkiller for temporary relief, a numbing agent until you can breathe freely again.
The rebounder in the relationship is the person jumping back into relationship and the reboundee is the potentially unsuspecting victim that doesn’t always know their allocated role in the drama.
Why rebound?
Loneliness is often a factor at the end of a long relationship. A new connection can help distract from the pain and boredom. Keeping busy with someone new can be extremely good fun without all the hurt and complication. It can be a refreshing relief to start something with someone who isn’t angry and disappointed (or a million other of those feelings that occur at the end). It’s great for the ego to meet someone who laughs at your jokes and looks pleased to see you. Who wouldn’t want a sip of that confidence boosting medicine?
What’s the problem and where could it possibly go wrong?
What happens when you jump from one relationship to another? There’s a few questions to ask yourself – the what, the why, and the how of the breakdown of the original relationship. If you don’t understand the role you played, how are you going to prevent history from repeating itself?
It may be that you feel you are ready to start again but honestly, are you free to start again? Is your head and heart still in the past? You need to consider your actions as you personally may be on a direct flight to Heartbreak City; but perhaps you shouldn’t take anyone else along for the ride.
Should you be with anybody rather than be alone?
After a long-term relationship there may be a temptation to jump into another relationship. The loss of the busy household, with kids and a dog, it may be tempting to fill the void. Some people aren’t good with being alone and need to feel that they are with someone to stroke their ego and validate their self-worth and on this path you may unintendedly hurt someone.
There are many ways to keep busy and alleviate your loneliness. If you are not emotionally ready for a new relationship, join a gym, play sports with your friends, learn how to cook etc. Learn how to sit uncomfortably in your pain, endure and process it.
What to look out for as a reboundee.
It’s not nice to realise that you are a reboundee. You may have to hear about your partners ex and how you compare. Even favourable comparisons can be tedious. You might be drenched in love by your new partner with inappropriate feelings and emotions which get displaced. You could also find yourself in the middle of a contentious and nasty divorce.
So, when is a rebound not a rebound?
This is such a personal question. Only you know when you are ready to date again. People will have an opinion on your relationship no matter what you do. Gossip and rumour mill fodder helps the world turn. Everyone has opinions, your ex, your family, your co-workers and friends. Divorce is open season for gossip.
Each relationship is unique, and no-one knows why some work and others don’t. Against the odds, my husband and I are still together. It’s like any other relationship, it takes work and commitment. If I am a reboundee, I am lucky and thankful that we found each other.
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