Graduations, weddings, grand babies and other big family celebrations with your ex can be challenging. Generally ex-couples are happy apart because they are exactly that – apart. So, how will you navigate the big family celebrations after divorce?
The big celebrations tend to happen when your children are older. Often by this time, divorced parents can easily parent without too much communication and interference from their ex.
Then, just when everything is smooth sailing, one of the big occasions pops up and upsets the status quo.
So how will you deal with the big occasions and family celebrations with your ex? How do you show up, feel joy, have fun, and not spoil your child’s big day? There’s always the option not to show up and not to be there for your child. If that option doesn’t work for you then you need to prepare to be emotionally and physically available for the important get-togethers in your child’s life. On these occasions your behaviour will be under the spotlight, you might even be hosting, and all eyes will be on you. Put a smile on your face and prepare to have a good time.
Your ex and their new partner.
Is the new person in your ex’s life going to be there? They might not be new but newer than you. This shouldn’t be a problem if you like them, but getting on with your ex and their partner takes work and can’t be rushed without consideration just because there is a big family celebration coming up. Remember that this new spouse may be important to your child, they might even love them. Any hurt you throw at them might actually wound your child.
In-Laws at family celebrations.
Love them or hate them, the in-laws tend to be at the big occasions. They will be at the weddings, the christenings, and the birthday parties. Can you be in their presence? Perhaps they are angry, and you haven’t cleared the air. Can you be polite, undertake small talk, smile, and get through the occasion without bringing up old hurts? Perhaps you have the opposite problem and maybe you love and miss them and don’t want your new partner to feel left out whilst you reminisce.
Are your family members able to be in the same room as your ex without telling them some uncomfortable truths. Will your parents smile at your ex-partner without mentioning their extra marital activities? Even when you have moved on and are no longer upset, it isn’t always the case for your family. We can bear grudges against the people who hurt the person we love. Remind your family that this occasion is all about your child and their celebration. It is time for peace. Everyone needs to make an effort.
Your child.
How does your child feel about the up-coming occasion? Are they worried about their parents being in the same room at the same time? Can their parents sit next to each other and not argue? Now, let’s add new partners into the mix. New spouses add a whole different level to the anxiety potential. What if your child doesn’t like your new partner? If only one parent has a new spouse and the other one is alone, how does your child keep both parents happy?
Partners, stepparents, half-siblings, stepsiblings, and blended families.
Who gets an invitation, who makes the guest list and where do you seat them? Is it necessary that your new family are there? Maybe they need to be at a wedding but not at a graduation and maybe your new partner might not even want to be there? Perhaps your partner has had to accept perceived slights and unkindness in the past just to keep you and the family happy. Why not have an honest conversation with them, find out their feelings and opinion without judgment.
Preparation for the big day.
Your child deserves to enjoy their big occasions as they might only get to experience, one graduation, one wedding, one birth and presentation of a baby. They deserve not to have to worry about their family bickering.
Have the difficult conversations with your ex and anyone else who needs to get their feelings out in the open. Put the issues and worries on the table, resolve them, or agree to shelve them so the celebration isn’t ruined. Maybe a single parent needs to feel supported, perhaps they can invite a friend. If necessary, work out and get agreements on who will be in family photographs, who will share transport, who will sit next to each other. Make these agreements before the event so that you don’t leave any big surprises for the day. Everyone should know their role and what is expected of them. Hurt felt on these occasions can still bear consequences many years later.
Tips for the big day.
The occasion is upon you. Hopefully your organisation has ensured that no big surprises emerge. Remember to breathe and take your time in conversations. Bite back angry retorts for any perceived hurts that emerge, this can de dealt with another day. Avoid over consumption of alcohol or anything else that could make you unbalanced. Take a five minute walk if you need some space. Don’t forget to smile, have fun and tell your child that you love them.
Be prepared for sadness and regret.
It is on these big occasions that you will get a glimpse of what might have been if only you had stayed together. Maybe you feel relief or perhaps you feel the opposite and see the lost potential of your relationship. What if your ex never became you ex? You may experience feelings of sadness and regret. You can be perfectly happy with your life today and still look back and wish things had gone differently.
This is your opportunity to stand with your ex and say, ‘I am sorry we didn’t make it but look at this magnificent, confident, happy, wonderful child we made together’.
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