Have you recently separated from your ex? Are you suffering from divorce grief? Maybe it was your decision to separate, or it could have been forced upon you. Perhaps you left your marriage kicking and screaming and begging to stay.

Irrespective of why you left, you may need to deal with a whole barrage of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Separation and divorce is rarely simple.

In 1969. Dr Elisabeth Kubler Ross wrote the book – On Death and Dying. She was a prominent psychiatrist who wrote over twenty books on and around the subject.

I’m separated and it feels like there’s been a death.

Now at this point you may be thinking there’s been no death, this isn’t relevant to me, however, you have suffered a loss.

In her original book, Kubler-Ross mentions the different stages of grief. She talks about, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Are these feelings familiar?

Denial

How often in your marriage did you ignore that it was in trouble and pretend all was well? Looking back now can you see the missed signs to indicate that your marriage was ending? Disbelief and denial are commonplace at the end of a relationship, often with one person not wanting to accept what is happening. You can find yourself like a deer caught in the headlights – unable to move forward, can’t go backwards.

Anger

It is hard to experience an end of a marriage without there being anger somewhere in the process. You can have furious feelings along with resentment at the unfairness of it all. It is easy to become angry at yourself for missing the signs, for putting off fixing your relationship at a time when it had yet to haemorrhage and may have been possible to fix. Anger is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s a natural feeling and can be used as a positive force. There’s potential to use your well managed anger for change whereas your uncontrolled anger is rarely helpful.

Bargaining

Did you plead? Or perhaps your partner begged you to stay.  Maybe in desperation you made bargains that were impossible to keep. Does separation come after many attempts of leaving, pleading, staying, and trying to make it work? Bargaining rarely works long term, if someone wants to leave, they are probably going to leave.

Depression

So the bargaining is done and the marriage over. Often this is when the depression, loneliness and sadness sets in. You realise that even if you chose to end the marriage, there is loss. Perhaps you have a new partner and you still experience the sadness of what might have been. So much loss – your family unit, your in-laws, future family celebrations etc. You are losing the chance to grow old together with grandchildren around your feet. Some of your friendship group will vanish and never return and don’t underestimate the loss of your financial stability.

There’s also the physiological response to the separation. You might experience loss of appetite or control of eating, loss of sleep, loss of emotional stability etc.

Acceptance

It has happened and now it is time to mourn your marriage. Mourn the hopes, expectations and dreams you had in the early days of your relationship. Accept, move forward and start to rebuild for your future.

With acceptance comes decision making time. It is time to decide on how you want your future relationships to be. Sit quietly and take your time:

What kind of ex-partner do you want to be?

What kind of parent are you going to be and what do your children need?

How will you blend future relationships?

Who will you call on for help and support?

Links

The Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation: www.ekrfoundation.org

When life puts you through a tumbler, it’s your choice whether you come out polished or crushed.

Elisabeth Kubler – Ross