The situation.

I was asked the above question by a 38-year-old dad from London.

Ian (well I am calling him Ian for the sake of this article), separated two years ago from his wife of fourteen years. They have two small girls ages 6- and 8-year-old respectively. His divorce has been finalised for over a year. His children stay with him every other weekend, holidays, and the occasional night during the week.

Ian’s ex (Emily) hasn’t had a significant relationship since the divorce. His young girls have never mentioned another man’s name and he doesn’t think there has been anyone.

Ian has a girlfriend (Sara), they have been dating for eleven months and have recently discovered that she is nine weeks pregnant. They semi live together at Ian’s two-bedroom flat, however Sara has never stayed over when the girls are there. The young girls don’t even know that she exists.

Ian finds himself in a bit of a pickle. He loves Sara but he didn’t expect to ever have another child, well at least not so soon into their relationship. Financially he is struggling after the divorce and can’t afford a larger flat. He doesn’t think he can afford a baby. Ian doesn’t want to remarry, although he thinks that Sara would like a formal declaration to their relationship; he is embarrassed that his first marriage didn’t work and doesn’t want to fail again.

 He is also dreading that he is going to have to speak to his ex-wife about the situation.

The work.

At this point Ian and I work together to look at the situation to see if he can find some clarity, he needs a plan and a way forward.

We break the problem down into practical and emotional decisions as well as tasks. Firstly, Ian must be honest with himself. I ask him to imagine the ideal outcome for this situation. In an ideal world, what would the outcome be?

Always start at the ideal outcome, the unfiltered, unjudged result that you would like. That’s what you are aiming for. If you can have a clear picture of the finish line, you can work out how to run your race. You might have to adjust your expectations along the way but at least you know your preferred outcome.

Goal Planning for ideal outcomes.

A way forward for Ian.

Ian made a list. He wants to be committed to Sara; he wants to live with her full time but doesn’t want to remarry anytime soon. They have decided that Sara is going to meet the girls a few times before she sleeps over or moves in. They will have to tell the children about the baby at some point but for now it is going to be a secret.

Ian has decided that he wants to talk to Emily and be honest about the situation. He respects her enough that he doesn’t want her to find out from someone else. Ian is going to speak to her before Sara meets the girls. I can tell he is still nervous about telling her, even after their separation, he feels tremendous guilt at letting her down.

Ian and Sara won’t need a bigger living space for a while. The new baby will be able to share their room when the girls stay over. Ian is hoping that by living with Sara they may be able to save some money before the baby is born.

Ian and Sara plan to include the little girls in as much baby planning as appropriately possible.

The reality.

I don’t know how their story ends.  Ian had chosen his ideal outcome and made his plans. We shook hands, I wished him well and he went out the door and on his way. I like to think that they are thriving and happy.

* All names have been changed and the author has shared this info with permission.