On the most difficult days of your separation, you must remind yourself to love your child more than you dislike your ex.
Simple? Not so simple! Easy to say but not to do. It’s slightly easier if your ex has the same philosophy and decides to put your child first. Ideal worlds are rare. The reality is that if you and your ex were such good friends then you might question why you separated.
So, what are you going to say to your ex to get them on the same side – the side of a healthy co-parent?
How can you work around the mess, pain, and hurt of your separation to co-parent? How can you deal with your ex-partner effectively when your feelings are far from loving and wholesome?
What if your ex is a bully and behaves nastily and has no intention of changing? Can you co-parent with this type of person and most importantly, how do you co-parent with this type of person?
Set boundaries.
Boundaries are important in a healthy co-parenting relationship and imperative with a difficult ex-partner. Setting healthy boundaries ensures that conversations and interactions remain focused on your child. In an ideal world, conversations should remain civil, respectful, and polite.
Healthy boundaries help you co-parent within the separation agreement. You agree the rules together and you both stick to them.
A carefully thought out and detailed Parent Plan will ensure that most circumstances and possible outcomes have already been decided in the planning stage.
There are great co-parenting apps available to help ex-couples in their quest to parent better together. You don’t even have to like your ex-partner, but if you both agree to co-parent with respect you can make the relationship work for your child.
My Family Wizard is a great family app that helps the co-parents and the family communicate effectively and within safe boundaries. The information from the app can also be used for financial and legal purposes to show how the family are interacting.
What if they still won’t play nice?
Maybe you have an ex-partner that won’t play by the rules. Even if you have set up healthy boundaries and a robust Parent Plan, they still may persistently turn up hours late, fail to return the children on time, are late with the payments of their financial obligations etc.
Wisdom accepts that all things have two sides.
Carl Jung
What do you do?
First and foremost, don’t retaliate, no ‘tit for tat’, it might bring relief to your frustration but won’t help your child or the situation. Don’t be late just because they are late. Stick to your agreements.
Try to never get sucked into an argument in front of your children. Never badmouth your ex-partner to your children or in front of your children. Think about how your communication will affect them.
Take notes, log everything. Put any relevant information on your parent app or keep a diary in case you need the information for your legal representative.
What to do with your frustration?
It’s not easy dealing with someone who doesn’t play fair. It’s an idea to have a good friend, family member or therapist to talk to. All the frustration you may be feeling has to be released in a safe manner away from your ex-spouse. Being consistent, being fair and putting your child first must be a daily undertaking. You aren’t responsible for the behaviour of your ex-partner; you just have to hope that they love their child enough to step up and be a good parent.
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