Imagine the scene; you are having an intense discussion / argument with your ex-partner. It is all starting to get a little bit ropey, are you listening? Are you really listening to what they are saying or are you already working out how you are going to respond? Be honest with yourself.
Listening and being completely in the present is a skill most of us never really utilise. When things get heated in my life, I am often guilty of working out a clever response to something I think my partner is saying to me. In fact, if I am being trueful, it doesn’t even have to be an argument, it can just be something boring and mundane. I am too busy not listening, too busy trying to formulate my retort rather than give them the proper respect and attention they deserve.
This sometimes results in my actions taking the conversation in an entirely different direction as I didn’t give him the chance to finish what he was saying. He then looks crestfallen and our opportunity to really connect has gone. We are lucky, we live in the same house and therefore have plenty of opportunity to try again. Just imagine the potential for improving our relationship if I actively listened to what he had to say!
Be better listeners.
To start with, above all else, when communicating with your ex show them that you are listening. Put down your phone and look them in the eye. Give them the honour of your full attention. Sounds easy? It isn’t so easy or so common, in our modern world of multitasking we often forget to be totally present with the other person in conversation.
Now you are listening and looking at them. Are they giving off other signs? Do their words match their actions? Look at their body language for what is not being said. You must listen with your eyes as well as your ears.
When you are listening, try to be silent as constant interruption can elicit anger and frustration as well as the possibility of your ex withdrawing from the conversation. What’s the point in speaking if we are not going to be heard?
Projecting your thoughts and fears onto your ex.
‘We don’t hear what someone said, we imagine what they meant.’
Byron Katie – www.thework.com
When listening to your ex, try to resist adding your own meaning and presumptions to their words. A little bit of projecting your thoughts, feelings, and experiences onto what they are saying is normal. Are you aware when you are doing it? In heated discussions, it is hard not to interrupt to put your point of view across, especially when you don’t agree with what is being said. Let them finish what they want to say, hear them to the end and get clarification if needed. Formulate your response, breathe, and take your time to respond.
Above all else remember that you are co-parenting together and that you both have your child’s best interests at heart.
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