A little bit about my childhood.

When I was a young girl, I remember wishing for a grandma. My maternal grandmother had died when my mother was a baby and my paternal grandmother passed away when I was a toddler.

I remember borrowing my friends’ grandmas. One made amazing cakes and you could always visit and stock up on wonderful food. In another house, we would hide from our mothers’ and the chores they set whilst drinking coffee with sweet milk. These women were great, loyal, loving and kept our secrets. I thought my friends were lucky to have them and I really wanted a grandma of my own. Sadly, I have felt that I somehow missed out on something quite important.

I had two wonderful grandfathers, both very different to each other. One grandfather died when I was eight. My other grandfather was with me until my mid-thirties. He was devoted to us. My siblings and I knew we were loved, spoiled, taken care of and most importantly safe.

We all have grandparents even if they aren’t alive or we don’t get to see them very often. Children often find themselves some ‘adopted’ grandparents if there aren’t any real ones around.

So, how are you going to deal with grandparents in your separation?

Physical grandparents.

Are they physically fit? Are they physically present?

There are many different types of grandparents, and the role of the grandparent is constantly changing. People tend to have children later in life therefore they may be older when they have their first grandchild. Consequently, there could be mobility issues and limitations and they may not be able to help you on a practical level. Your child’s grandparents might be geographically absent and not physically in your child’s life. Luckily, technology ensures that it is possible to be in relationship from the other side of the world.

Helpful grandparents.

If your children are now living in two homes and both you and your ex-partner are working, there is a benefit to having helpful grandparents. That could mean an extra pair of hands for school pick ups and drop offs. It may be a calm person to help with child handovers if you are experiencing friction with your ex-partner. A helpful grandparent may mean an emergency childcare option when help is needed at a minute’s notice.

Loving grandparents.

A grandparent can offer a different type of relationship for your child. Unconditional love with patience and experience is often in abundance. They are a step removed from your marital separation and can be a steady, familiar safe harbour for your child in a time of change and disruption.

Bridging grandparents.

Both your and your ex-partners parents can be immensely helpful in building a bridge between the two of you at a time when communication and relationship is difficult. There’s a good chance that they love your children almost as much as you do. They will have been present for much of your relationship and therefore probably have a good grasp on the current situation.

Let’s get real.

Let’s be honest here. An interfering grandparent can also cause a lot of damage in a separation. Your parent or your ex’s parent may be feeling hurt on your or your ex’s behalf and just not able to stay steady and neutral. The grandparents may also be experiencing grief as your separation will bring about changes to everyone’s lives. It may mean that they see less of their grandchild, or they may have genuinely loved your ex and are wondering how they can stay connected as a family.

Have a conversation with your ex.

If you are able, it’s a good idea if you can sit with your ex and work out rules and expectations regarding the grandparents. You are all still part of a family, or at least still part of your child’s family. Start with the premise that you all love your child and want the very best for them then even the tough decisions can be made with the best of intentions.