What’s the reality?
In divorce and separation there’s often little opportunity to change our reality. The marriage is still over, and the children still sleep under a different roof than you. The facts are that transitioning through these types of changes are going to take time. The determining factors to make these changes are often out of your control, yet how many hours, and how many uncomfortable thoughts are wasted on wishing things were different. How much agony are you going to put yourself through? Try to stay in present time.
Stumbling blocks or stepping stones.
The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said:
‘There will always be rocks in the road ahead of us. They will be stumbling blocks or stepping stones; it all depends on how you use them’.
If this is the case, if your reality is a whole pile of stumbling blocks, how are you going to start seeing them as stepping stones? Change your thinking. The rocks are going nowhere, they are in your path and you, and you alone must decide what to do with them.
There will always be someone willing to help you deal with the practical side to your separation. Someone will be willing to collect the kids from school for you or loan you cash when funds are low, but it is your responsibility to sort out your own thoughts and feelings.
The internet tells us that we are meant to think of our worst days as teaching moments. Inspirational quotes will have us relish our darkest times as opportunities for growth. It is true that we can transform in these moments, we really can change but the reality is that it can feel awful during the divorce process. There are so many changes to comprehend and navigate.
Let’s get practical.
So, what can you do to help yourself when you are feeling awful? What if for legal reasons you can’t see your children? How will you keep yourself connected to them? There are many reasons why a parent may not be able to see their child during part of the divorce process. It may seem grossly unfair but as with all legal process it is best to follow legal advice and take care to stay within the right side of the law. A child in the UK has a right to both parents. Eventually you should have your child back in your life and you want to be prepared both practically and emotionally.
Practically you can make sure that your home is ready for your children. Can you prepare your new home to have space for your child? Is there a place for them to sleep, put their clothes away? Do you have their favourite food in the kitchen? Is there somewhere for them to do their homework etc? Children don’t need much but they do have a right to feel safe. With some forethought you can get your living space ready for your child.
Emotionally prepared.
When we are thinking about our emotions, we are looking at how to stay emotionally strong, resilient, and healthy whilst we go through the divorce and separation. It is important to be emotionally ready to have our children in our lives post separation. Badmouthing, anger, sadness, erratic behaviour etc. must be in check and not on display in front of your child. Your children shouldn’t feel that they need to pick sides or protect you when they visit, they shouldn’t have to listen to you bad-mouthing their mother. Even if you feel terrible inside, these aren’t feelings to project onto your children. Their visits should not be about dealing with your mental wellbeing. It is reasonable to think that you may have strong emotions regarding your ex-spouse, but it might be an idea to seek help to understand and process the feelings rather than display them in front of your child.
It can be healthy for you to acknowledge your own pain and hurt as well as the pain and hurt you may have caused in others. Understand and make peace with your role in the lead up to the separation. Own and take responsibility for your actions. This kind of work isn’t done overnight. A long marriage may take a lengthy reflection. It may be worth looking at how your emotions are affecting your body and physical health. Getting in good physical health is a gift for both you and your children.
When your reflection is done, lessons learned and your apologies made, learn to forgive yourself and move on.
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