A quick word on widowers.

I was asked recently if I my work applies to the recently widowed as widowed dads are single too. Death is the final separation and finding your way in your new life has many complications and issues that are very similar to divorce. Fathers may find themselves suddenly trying to fulfil the role that their deceased spouse left behind. This all happens at a time when they are grieving too, therefore, how do you find a purpose after the death of your spouse?

The loss of a relationship.

The loss and bereavement experienced after a split can be all consuming. There’s a mourning period after a relationship ends. Afterall, who gets married thinking that the love they shared will end? White wedding dresses, flowers and ceremonies aren’t supposed to end in divorce. The reality is that a lot of marriages do end and when it happens most people aren’t prepared for all that it entails. Practically and emotionally, there’s a lot to come to grips with. Feelings of regret, guilt, bitterness, betrayal, loss, and loneliness are frequent. How did it come to this?

Frequently I encounter men who look shellshocked almost bulldozed by the experience of separation. Even men who initiate divorce can find themselves grieving for parts of their old lives. A certain amount of loss and sadness is normal at the end of a relationship but, what do you do when the loss becomes too much?

Divorces can become messy war zones where no one leaves the battlefield without wounds. Access to children can become complicated if you or your ex partner use them as weapons to score points in divorce.

Having a purpose.

When nothing is going as planned it is important to have something to cling onto. Having focus and purpose is important. Viktor Frankl (1905 – 1997) – The Austrian psychiatrist and holocaust survivor wrote about the importance of meaningfulness:

“Nothing is likely to help a person overcome or endure troubles than the consciousness of having a task in life”.

What is your task going to be? What will bring meaning back to your life? Your task may be to endure the struggles of the divorce and build a new life for yourself, a life where your children can feel welcome and call home. In the darkest moments of your separation can you cling on and think of tomorrow and the tomorrows after that?

In his book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’, Frankl goes onto say:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”.

So, what attitude are you going to bring to your situation?

Frankl was talking about surviving the holocaust and concentration camps. He talks of surviving the deaths of his immediate family through terrible unthinkable circumstances. He was a survivor and the lessons he taught on survival can be used to help throughout everyday life. You don’t have to be mortally in danger to experience extreme loss and trauma.

Setting goals.

So, let’s think practically. What do you want your future to look like? Where do you want to be in twelve months or in five years? Life won’t always be like it is today and working towards future goals may give you the impetus to keep moving ahead.

What can you do to make things a little better? Make small steps every day to forge your new future. Why not create a safe and loving home for your children to visit. A peaceful space for yourself is important too. If the finances won’t stretch to your own place, then try to ensure that wherever you lay your head is tidy, clean, and calm as you may want to be in tiptop condition when you see your children.

Remember – just because you are unhappy today doesn’t mean you will always feel that way. Start preparing today for the person you are going to become tomorrow.

https://www.viktorfrankl.org/

Viktor E Frankl. Man’s search for Meaning. Rider (1st Edition) 6 May 2004