Bad-mouthing your ex may seem irresistible especially if your old partner has hurt you and let’s face it most people divorcing or separating believe they have experienced pain at the hands of their ex. It is understandable and normal to want to bad-mouth your ex and if it is shared with your best friend, it can seem harmless. However, after the release, after the scab has been scratched off, you are potentially left with an open wound that is now going to take longer to heal.
Letting go and releasing your thoughts
There is a belief that letting it all out can help. You may have toxic thoughts bubbling up inside of you ready to burst. Who will you share your thoughts with, and what will you tell them? If you absolutely need to say something, can it be done with a professional? Spilling the dirt to the people you love is not always a good idea. Your friends and family may never forgive your ex, even if you get back together or become cordial co-parenting friends in the future. You may end up with the problem that everyone you love hates your ex even if you don’t.
What will you do with these thoughts and feelings? What if you are on the receiving end of your ex-partners bad-mouthing? Do you reciprocate or keep a dignified silence? Getting into a tit for tat war can end up hurting your children and yourselves. Tearing someone else down may not necessarily make you feel better. After a long marriage and an acrimonious split, you both may know a lot of dirt on each other. It can be carnage. In most circumstances, what happened in a marriage should stay in a marriage.
If your ex is bad-mouthing you
So how will you react if your mutual friends tell you that your ex is bad-mouthing you and do you really want to know what they are saying about you? Are you strong enough to resist needing to know? Why is your ex doing this? There’s usually a lot of hurt and disappointment behind bad-mouthing. Reciprocal bad-mouthing usually carries a lot of anger too!
What do you do if your children tell you that your ex is saying bad things about you? How will you react and how will you protect your children? Kids love both parents and they really don’t need to hear bad things, as it can be confusing for them. Forcing children to choose sides can have lifelong damaging effects for them. Unfortunately, when legal divorce battles become complicated and dirty, children can be used, and bad-mouthing becomes weaponised. Both parents have to try and put their child first, can you love and care for your child more than you dislike or hate your ex partner?
Keeping you in the past
Do you want to move on? Bad-mouthing keeps you in the past. Is your ex in your thoughts more than a normal ex partner should be? Are your thoughts keeping you from moving on? Some would / should / could have been thoughts are normal in a breakup. You are more than likely going to walk away from a marriage with battle scars as most people do. However after a year, if you are still lying awake at night thinking of ways to hurt your ex then the person you are most likely hurting is probably yourself.
